Having it crap out [0] on us was, of course, the primary reason for replacing our boiler. But what really set us down the road to all this energy efficiency [0] rigmarole was a simple bit of spam from Amazon [1], advertising a sale on Bosch AquaStar [2] tankless water heaters.

Tankless water heaters [3] are intense little machines. They don’t, as the name suggests, heat a tankful of water at a time, but rather are instant on: You turn on the tap, they fire, you get hot water. So there’s no big tank standing around, losing heat during all those hours of the day you spend not showering or washing dishes. And they cost well under $1000 – not counting the $300 federal tax credit [4] most models qualify for. Best part is, tankless heaters are the size of two shoeboxes; you can hang them on the wall, freeing up space.*

The size was what first pricked my interest. You may recall from these lovely pen and ink drawings [4] that our boiler room abuts a sort of half-bathroom/half-laundry room near the house entryway. I’ll put this close-up view on the overhead for you (click for bigger):

[4]

We also store a bunch of junk in there: not only brooms and mops, but cleaning supplies, an antique drill, old library tote bags, and a little fan that plugs into your car lighter. (Never know when you’re going to need one, right?) So it’s actually just a bit more cluttered and tight than this drawing lets on. Like so:

[4]

I mean, the dryer door opens into the toilet: Not pretty. ("Sorry, hon – I dropped your socks in the can again.") So the idea, originally, was to replace our water heater with a little AquaStar, thus opening up enough space to move the washing machine and dryer into the boiler room, which would allow us to turn that half-bath (and junk shop) into a decent, gen-yoo-wine bathroom, one that would welcome guests rather than repulse them. It was all going to be very Flip This House [5], with the improved bathroom bringing us wads more in theoretical sale value.

But my tankless infatuation didn’t last long, once I discovered the power of our new, Mercedes Benz-like boiler. Which I’m going to tell you about – swear to saints – next week.

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* Note that I’m not endorsing tankless heaters; I don’t really know enough about them to make a call either way. Their on-demand-ness makes them theoretically more efficient, but they also need more power to instantly heat your water. And when they are on they need a bigger supply of fuel, meaning you’ll typically need to retrofit a bigger gas line going in – most tank heaters use 1/2-inch gas pipe; tankless use 3/4-inch. And they need a bigger vent – think the little chimney that runs out of your roof – 5 inches versus 3. In other words, you can’t just junk your tank and pop in a tankless; it’s a bit more of an operation than that.