In the 1990’s linguist Deborah Tannen told us why men don’t ask for directions and why women make statements into questions with her bestseller, You Just Don’t Understand; Women and Men in Conversation [1]. Her latest, You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation [2], tackles another fraught communication arena. It turns out that there could be just as much demand for guidance here; almost as soon as it was published last month the book hit number 9 on The New York Times [3] bestseller list.

In it, Tannen, a Georgetown University professor, tracks the phenomenon of daughters feeling criticized by their mothers while mothers feel shut out by their daughters. And of course, she speaks to the importance of language in these charged, intimate relationships: “Words are like touch. They can caress or they can scratch.” Chapter titles include: “Involvement or Invasion,” “Great Expectations,” “My Mother, My Hair: Caring and Criticizing,” and “Best Friends, Worst Enemies: A Walk on the Dark Side.” As well as pointing out conversational pitfalls, Tannen also offers suggestions––for example, mothers should avoid bringing up all matters of appearance (clothing, weight, hair) unless vitally necessary.

The Times recently interviewed [4] Tannen about her book. Here’s a short excerpt:

Q. Can you give an example of communication problems based on what you’ve seen of mother-daughter conversations?

A. During an interview, a journalist told me she had called her grown daughter the night before and began, “I miss you.” Her daughter replied: “Why do you miss me? I just talked to you last week!” The daughter felt criticized for not calling more often. After our interview, the mother tried something she had never done before. She sent her daughter an e-mail in which she praised and reassured her.

The next day her daughter phoned to continue the conversation. So you see, by understanding how language works within relationships, you can change patterns you’re not happy with.