Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about so-called green guilt [1]—the idea that people are turning to things like hybrids [2] and carbon offsets [3] and, yep, green building to soothe some sort of guilt they feel. That the reason for buying organic grapes [4] or riding a bike to work [5] is because you’d feel bad about doing otherwise. I’m calling hogwash.

To me the idea of green guilt seems like a Rush Limbaugh [6] talking point—in the same book as the idea that Al Gore is some kind of environmental fascist [7]—that’s been absorbed by the general populace. And I don’t understand it. If my toilet’s broken, I don’t fix it because I feel guilty; I fix it because I don’t want a bathroom full of, you know, dookie and live with dookie all over the floor. The planet, the environment—to put it really, really simplistically—is broken [8], and going green and buying carbon offsets and using straw bale [8] to build are attempts to repair it, because no one wants to live on Planet Dookie. Any “green” stuff I’m doing to my house [8] is just like any other repair or renovation—it’s just that at this point in time, we’ve reached the ability or level of awareness that allows for green decisions—less waste, less consumption, less pollution. We know these things are out there—efficient solar panels [9], Forest-Stewardship Council [10]-certified wood, less-harmful paint [11]. I mean, one thing about all these choices—a lot of them, anyway, particularly those concerning energy use—is that they’re actually more economically intelligent. Our boiler [11] will save us money and keep us warmer and spit out less pollution. Solar panels [11] wean you off finite resources—but they also save you money in the longer term. Using less electricity saves you money; using less gasoline saves you money. I fail to see why guilt has to come into the conversation. People shouldn’t feel guilty about buying a Hummer [12], they should feel stupid. A car that gets 10 miles to the gallon is a stupid thing to own, even when gas isn’t $3 a gallon. Calling it guilt is just one more way to push environmentalism into the hippie-kook end of the cultural spectrum, which, at the risk of sounding paranoid, is what they [13] want.

I mean, George Bush has a geoexchange system [14] at his ranch in Texas. Geoexchange [14] is basically using the temperature of the deep earth to heat and cool your house: The temperature down there stays the same all year round, about 55 degrees. So in winter, when it’s 20 degrees outside, a geoexchange system brings that relative heat into your house, warming it up. In summer, when it’s 105 outside, the system pumps the relative cool into your house. Anyway, it’s a very green heating option. And George Bush has it. Why? Because he feels guilty?