Many of our beaches are dirty, dangerous and hazardous to one's health. 

That's the word from a new report from a Natural Resource Defense Council (NRDC), Testing the Waters 2006. It cites more than 20,000 beach closing days last year due to health advisories and unsafe levels of bacterial contamination.

Now, I appreciate watchdog groups like NRDC, which monitor important public safety issues. But as I skimmed the details, I suddenly started getting pretty pissed off at their report.

Rationally, I know we need this information. The grown-up part of my brain understands that this how we protect ourselves and our kids and puppies and favorite surfers boys.

But the kid part of me doesn't want to know anything else. Bad news like this belongs firmly in the "Things I Don't Want To Know" category.

Now that I know this, it's going to haunt me forever. I'm going to worry about contaminated water every time I set foot in the ocean.

I already get paranoid at the beach. Floating seaweed spooks me. A piece of driftwood looks just like a shark fin. Jellyfish seem to lurk everywhere. Every time I jump into the waves, the theme from Jaws echoes through my head.

Yes, I'm a baby. But I can snap myself out of it with a little common sense. "Be realistic," I tell myself. "What are the odds of a shark attack?

Unfortunately, being realistic won't ease my fears in this case.