Michael Jackson is apparently set on creating a fifty-foot robot version of himself that will wander the Nevada desert and shoot lasers from its eyes (yes, seriously). Ecologists haven't yet assessed the threat Jackson's robot would pose to the fragile desert floor, but cacti with young offspring have already hired legal representation.

Celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck has taken a stand for animals and the environment, vowing to only use eggs and meat from chickens that haven't been raised in tiny cages and avoiding seafood that's in danger of depletion or is harvested in an un-eco-friendly manner. While activists applaud Puck's decision, free range chickens everywhere are protesting.

Production of a Hollywood movie starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey has been put on hold due to hordes of deadly jellyfish in the waters along the Australian coastline. Scientists blame higher numbers of the dangerous species on global warming, but ultimately see a bright side—when insipid summer blockbusters are threatened by climate change, Americans may finally begin to take action.

El Hijo del Santo, a Mexican wrestler, has announced that his next opponent will be pollution in the waters of Baja California, thus destroying once and for all the misconception that environmentalism is solely the cause of snobby liberal elitists.

Senator James Inhofe, made famous when he called global warming "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people," is fighting with all of his might to prevent Al Gore from holding a Live Earth concert at the Capital. Though it's unclear if the concert will be moved, Washington insiders say the important thing to Inhofe is that he keeps his reputation as Oklahoma's most obnoxious twit.