I attended a memorial service yesterday. I never met the guy that died. I was only really going to support his son, who is a member of my men's group and a good friend.

I wasn't really sure how I would respond to the service. Little did I know what I was in for. By the end of the service I was imagining what it would be like to attend random memorials for complete strangers a few times a year. I thought about assigning it as an activity in coaching programs I lead: "This week's homework is to go to a memorial service of someone you didn't know." I was deeply impacted by the service. 

As I listened to friends and family honor the deceased, I was touched by this one man's contribution to society. (He had been a part of creating safety standards for seat belts and helmets of all things.)  I also witnessed his values, passions, and purpose in life brought alive through his family's remembrance of him. 

Sitting in a pew in the middle of the church watching the colored lights move across the room through the stained glass, I started reflecting on my own life. Because I didn't know the deceased, I think I didn't get as caught up in my own emotional grieving process, so I was really able to look death in the face and have a chat. 

The first thoughts seemed somewhat superficial and petty. When I die, I wondered, who is going to attend my memorial? If I were to croak today, who would show up to honor me? I reflected on the different people and communities of which I am a part. I thought about how much I contribute; how much I participate; how engaged I am. I noticed where I feel free and fully expressed. And I felt the constriction and pain of holding back in other relationships. Sitting in the middle of this memorial service, I realized that there is absolutely no reason to stop me from opening my heart and loving as deeply and fully as possible. I felt called to be more present, authentic, and vulnerable in all my relationships. What did I have to lose? 

On the tails of "who" my thoughts drifted to "what." What would people say about me? What would they remember? Based on how I am living today, what would be said? This took a few minutes to digest. There were waves of deep fulfillment and satisfaction thinking about areas of my life in which I feel fully present and productive. Then there were waves of suspicion wondering what people would say about those other areas of my life. Have I lived up to my potential? Have I "fully" lived in those areas? 

As my attention broadened to a larger scale, I got more curious and started wondering about the bigger questions. What is the legacy I am leaving living as I am right now? How have I impacted the world? Is it a better place with my having been here? 

What would be said at your memorial service?

Doug Miller is a personal and professional life coach enjoying life in Los Angeles with his wife and two boys.  You can learn more about him and his work over at www.coachdoug.com

Photo by: Dimitry