I’m warning, you, I’m grumpy.

My awesome nephew Jacob really, really, really wanted Georgia to be able to play an online computer game called Club Penguin. He had enjoyed it a lot when he was a bit younger, and thought she’d like it too, so he created an account just for her. He successfully steered Georgia’s penguin through coin-winning games so she could start her penguin life with some virtual penguin money for buying various virtual penguin items. It was a very sweet gesture, and Georgia was excited to try Club Penguin because Jacob had told her how fun it was.

I grilled Jacob. Was it a chat site? Yes, but he had set her penguin to only be able to use pre-typed phrases. Did it cost money? No, you can play the game without paying for it, but you can subscribe to do more things. Is there any value to it? Well… it’s fun.

Turns out it’s way beyond Georgia’s capabilities, she clicked around, lost interest, and we let it go. I was relieved, since I imagine interactive online gaming can only lead to a creepy MyFaceSpace account and then hell via handbasket. But I don’t need to worry; this phenomenon will fizzle out by the time she’s six, right?

Today I got a big, fat cuddly-toy shaped slap in the kisser.

A newspaper article alerted me to the newest craze to reach my luddite, anti-establishment, out-of-the-loop mind: interactive toys. From Webkinz pets to Bratz dolls, and Battle Racing cars for the less frilly set, there’s a toy that you can’t fully enjoy until you log onto the computer. So, you buy a furry, cute stuffed animal, and it comes with a code to log into the web site so you can chat with other kids who have a code, and then win virtual money to outfit your car or doll or doll’s room. It’s not real, there’s no extra stuff to clutter up your real room, and it’s fun to have a fantasy space to play in. But excuse me while I flip out that we are training our kids to become raving, hoglike consumers who “shop” without need and have to constantly upgrade and makeover to keep things “fun.”

I went to the Club Penguin site to really check it out. There’s nothing to buy to get in, you can play without paying. The animation is simple and kind of cute, the games take little skill, and the focus of the site isn’t just on acquisition. But if you aren’t a paying member you are very limited to what you can buy with the penguin money you make. And it’s unclear until you try to buy something that you do have to be a member. Once you click on a desired item, say a bee costume or designer sunglasses for your penguin, you get a pop-up that says, “This feature is only available to members of Club Penguin.” Even in my quick trip I felt left out not being able to BUY, and I felt like if I could just BUY something it would make me so much happier. And that’s me, with lots of years of being-left-out experience!

Webkinz really got me in a snit. The web site features the kind of cutesy animation that must appeal to lots of focus groups, and the worst thing about it is Georgia would love it. A pastel world of rainbows, little animals, animal food and accessories and loads of decorations for your animal’s room. And you don’t have to stop at one animal, oh no, you are encouraged to have lots and lots of pets (around $8 – 20, depending on how “collectible” your pet is). And you must keep your pet happy! If you don’t visit, interact with and feed your pet you risk low Happy/Healthy/Hungry meters, and though your pet cannot die, no one wants an unhappy hippo. The site is designed to keep you buying virtually and in reality (Webkinz body Spritz, Webkinz Lip Gloss, Webkinz Clothing). There’s no way to play if you don’t have a code, and if you lose your code you’re out of luck, you’ll just have to go buy another pet! I didn’t even bother going to the Bratz or Barbie sites. I figure there will be lots of changes and new things to worry about by the time Georgia is cognizant of online worlds beyond my grasp, and I didn’t want to keep myself awake nights. Plus, who knows how desirable I might find it all?

Oh, it feels wrong to me in so many ways, but especially how it feeds on the place where I want to play too. I want to have all that virtual stuff, because it’s there. Before I knew it was out there I had no desire for a virtual pet, but it really did touch this wanting place in me. And that’s ME, with LOTS of years of trying to work this unnecessary want thing out. I have way too much stuff, and very little time, so how did they find the place where I want to spend time acquiring stuff? How many child psychologists worked on this to make it irresistible to kids, and parents too? This is what we are all up against, industries using really good tactics to create a consumer frenzy and it’s working! And if I sound a little paranoid it’s because people are out to get our kids. Or at least their money.

I told you I was grumpy.