Men are defying the stereotype of the clumsy, uncommunicative father and husband in droves, finds a new book, VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment by Neil Chethik. The author spoke to 70 straight men ages 22 to 95 face-to-face (and polled 288 on the phone) about their feelings toward their significant others and families. They affirmed some of the old tropes “men are less verbal” and defied others, “men don’t do housework.” From the sound of it this goes well beyond John Gray-style stereotyping––Chethik talked to real men in formal, anonymous interviews––and comes out with a more nuanced view of relationships. An article in yesterday’s Salon explored these issues with the author.

Chethik said that now that women are more equal outside the home, they’re more open to men having their say within it. “So in a sense, we’re at the point now where men can speak more,” Chethik says. “But what has happened, I think, is that our popular culture has turned men into goofy incompetents. I watch some of these TV commercials where the man is like, ‘Oh, I don’t know how to change a diaper,’ or, ‘Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing here with the laundry.’ We’ve become laughingstocks, but I didn’t see that in the study. I saw men who weren’t laughingstocks, who were doing a lot around their homes, who were involved in their children’s lives. “

This new equality, he goes on to say, “…created the possibility of really deep, important relationships and, at the same time, made it possible to try work to out the differences that are inevitable in every relationship. “

Amusingly enough, among many aspects of their marriages, the men were asked if they saw a link between their doing housework and their wives wanting to have sex. “…a good number of men had seen it,” Chethik said. Rather than being a quid pro quo, though, he said, men realized “that it was more about her feeling appreciated. It seems that women who feel their partners are paying attention to them, and to the household, are more appreciative and less tired.” So maybe for Valentine’s Day women can read this book to enhance their understanding, compassion, and connection. And men can do windows.

Photo of Neil Chethik by Beverly Chethik