Most people are not good listeners. If I was talking, there’d be a 50 percent chance you didn’t hear that––and an 80 percent chance you wouldn’t remember it later, according to the International Listening Association, an organization that promotes global conflict resolution through attentiveness. But it’s not for lack of wanting: We all know the balm a good listener can offer. When someone attends to our words with attention and empathy most of us feel validated, acknowledged, and nurtured.

This is why practice in active listening, a method born for the work of psychologist Carl Rogers, can be invaluable in enhancing all kinds of relationships.

The best way to get started in active (also known as reflective) listening is to consciously take turns with a partner. First, the listener will face the speaker, tuning into emotional content, words, and body language. When the speaker is finished, the listener will paraphrase what she has heard, for example: “You’re saying that your feelings are hurt when I forget to vacuum.” There’s no need to agree with the person, only to validate them by empathic listening (for more details on this: crnhq.org).

If the listener wants more information, here’s a guide by Daniel F. Perkins, PhD., an assistant professor at the University of Florida, to asking questions that open––rather than lead––conversation.

If you get good at it, you might be eligible for the ILA’s Listener of the Year award, which has previously gone to people like Johnny Carson, Ann Landers, and Bill Clinton.

For more info on applying skills of active listening to everyday situations: analytictech.com. And to really take the plunge, the ILA’s upcoming annual convention is in April 2006.

Photo by Marcelo Coelho via Flickr